“That’s MY kid you’re talking about, you racist asshole ! “: A story about family, love , & bigotry

I was in downtown Nyack, New York, with my then young son, Max, running some errands. Just the two of us, doing big boy stuff together. I was genuinely upbeat and pleased to be doing things with my son on this lovely day.

As I parked my van across the street from the Starbucks, and began unstrapping my boy from his car seat, I heard a loud, angry voice. It was coming from one of the Starbucks patrons, who was sitting at one of the outdoor tables. I went into high parental alert; I sense danger, & I have my child with me. For me, it’s a weirdly beautiful fear - because as my psyche shifts out of its neutral comfort zone, my animal instinct to protect someone I love , takes control. A spike of adrenaline , wakes up my lizard brain, and , suddenly, I become capable of breaking your fucking neck, if necessary, if you so much as TOUCH my child in an unkind way, And the touch doesn’t even need to be physical - verbal abuse can be profoundly damaging to a young child . And believe me, I KNOW - I did 1st through 7th grade in a suburban New Jersey Catholic school in the 60’s , when my only defense was to flinch before being slapped .

I put my son down and took his hand, and walked slowly past my vehicle, which blocked my view of the source of the angry voice across the street. Then, I saw him-

A man, maybe 40, in common biker-bad boy regalia - leather chaps, guinea tee shirt, and over that ; a leather vest, and a bandana and sunglasses, with long-ish, greasy, dirty blonde hair, and a droopy moustache and goatee , right out of a grade B , rebel-without-a-cause movie. He was a full blown , living cliche of a biker badass, loafing outside of Starbucks, loudly whining about the current pathetic state of Harley Davidson _

“ Fucking new Harleys SUCK… fucking CHINKS took it over and RUINED them..Fucking GOOKS don’t know shit about bikes.. their shitty rice-burners Got NOTHING …it’s them fuckin’ slant-eyed rice eaters… “ Etc.

I was shaking as I walked Max briskly down the street. Adding to the tension , was a group of Asian students standing maybe 20 feet away from this guy. They looked to me like they understood what this asshole was saying perfectly well.

There is a popular pizzeria just two doors down from the Starbucks, also with outside seating for customers. I distinctly remember scanning the patrons for a face that I new and trusted, that I could ask if they would watch my son for just a minute ; I had some vigilante business to attend to.. See ; there’s a guy , sitting right over by Starbucks, who needs to have his fucking teeth smashed out of his fucking skull with one of the metal chairs , provided for customers of Starbucks.

I need to hurt this asshole.

You , dear reader, may be thinking , “ wow, Dave…such rage ! ..why so touchy about some common, racist douchebag ? “

Ok, reasonable question, lemme explain-

In 1996 , my then wife and I, after much soul-searching and debate, decided to adopt a baby from China. The whole experience of going to the other side of the planet to get a little girl of our own, to be immersed in the murky cultural and political intrigues that we witnessed , the corruption and blatant bribes we had to pay to officials over there , and the decency and good hearts of ( most ) of the people we encountered, is too big of a story to get into now. Suffice to say, bringing this beautiful and strong, four-month old little girl from the Hunan province; with her beautiful, copper tone skin, thick, black hair, and big , shiny eyes… well, it totally changed my life.

See, this baby not only widened my heart, and changed my understanding of what it means to be family, she also was my introduction to racist ignorance ..

Oh, I was already plenty ( reasonably ) protective of my children, though I didnt shelter them from the occasional awfulness that people are wont to indulge in ; I wanted them to be able to survive on their own, but I also wanted them to know that Im always there for them, if the going got too rough.They could be sure that Dad’s not going anywhere, and for the rest of my life ; I am your warrior.

But this shit was different.

Racism always seemed such an absolutely asinine and mindlessly cruel hatred to me. In 1968, my church was going down to Newark to hear Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King speak.

These were what they called “ the days of rage “, and riots were erupting in all the major cities, and Newark was particularly hard hit. King had been asked to come up and talk to the people of Newark ; to quell the people’s anger and help bring about peaceful dialogue with the authorities, and to find some kind of resolution. But he never made it ; Stopping by the garbage workers strike in Memphis while enroute, he was assassinated on the balcony of his hotel room, by one James Earl Ray .

My church group went down, anyway. I got to see, at 9 years old, children my age and younger, living in total squalor. I’ll never forget that as we marched through the streets, passing by a nearly totally gutted tenement building , peering in through burned out , charred wreckage , I saw a little boy, peering out of the cave-like darkness of what used to be his home, at me - the little white tourist to his misery.

I was a kid, I couldnt comprehend what made people do these things to each other and to themselves. I just knew that it must have been so hopeless and awful for some, that nothing mattered anymore, and the pain and anger and humiliation , became unbearable ; and they’d rather burn it all down , then just perpetuate the systemic oppression, that haunted their lives ,and crushed their dreams.

I knew racism was an evil, and I would never tolerate it willingly , but all my life, I never really had to deal with it first hand,

Till now.

That asshole at Starbucks -

Gooks, chinks, rice eaters.. …he’s talking about MY daughter now … How fucking DARE you, you piece of…

Stop. Just fucking stop, Dave . What happened next , was nothing. There wasnt anyone I knew at the pizzeria, so , I couldnt hand off my son, so I could stomp the shit out of this asshole who was too stupid to comprehend the fact that China just bought what Harley Davidson was selling , and that the sacred cow that represents your delusions of a rugged Individualism, was nothing more than another soulless product -just something else that corporate America had no problem putting on the auction block, and your cliche’, wannabe James Dean , no-nothing wet-dream of yourself , in your little biker costume… My little boy saved your ass, actually ,you dimwit bigot.

See, I didnt want to expose him to the likes of you ; but I also didnt want him see his father succumb to anger, however righteous it may or may not have been. I didnt want to give any legitimacy to the shit you were saying - but it was agony to just walk by and say nothing, like what happened in Newark,

That a goddamn motor bike defines you… and your fantasy chink-free America, America, so proudly we hailed…Well,. It’s pathetic, really. You built your whole world around a mythology you’re too stupid to articulate , even in your own mind.

Who are you ? Just another ignorant bully , dressed up for the dance that he wasnt invited to .

To the little boy I saw in Newark , in April of 1968 -

Im so sorry that I couldnt do anything to help you then, being just a little boy myself ,

But I remember you, and I realized you taught me an immense lesson -

That my rage would only damage my world & change nothing.

& the perpetrators of our worldly suffering , are , ultimately ,no match for the love of family. It just took me a while to realize -that You

& the little girl from China , we’re all family , now